Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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