My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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