alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
