If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
