i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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