drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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