I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
should my penis look like a turkey
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize