Where is the hickey?
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
