Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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