We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
