did you get engaged???
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize
