Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
