And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
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