WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize