Say something about gay babies.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
