turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
