Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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