I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
