Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
