Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
