Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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