what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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