My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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