I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
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