Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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