help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
