This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize