So drunk its hurt
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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