my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize