i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
