just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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