My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
