By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I don't deserve a penis
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
