Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Are my feet made of real feet?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
