Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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