so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
