i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
someone owes me an orgasm
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize