If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
