My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
