Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
