im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
