Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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