a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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