I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Come see our sink grown plant.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
