you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
