I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
only you would photoshop your dick
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
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