i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
