literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize