did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
The Olympian is in my bed
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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