If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize