Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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