Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize