I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
