Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
