why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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