Who did Billy Mays play for?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
