Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
