The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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