i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
